The vast majority of people think that everyday manners and common courtesy have declined, and want to see a return to the polite and chivalrous attitudes of the past, according to new research.

Three quarters of people who responded to a survey by first direct support the idea of a kinder society in which gestures of thoughtfulness and respect are exchanged on a regular basis.

But, in this hectic modern era, amid rapidly shifting social and gender attitudes, how would it work? When we think of past traditions of common courtesy, we conjure images of gentlemen walking on the outside of the pavement, protecting their ladyfolk from the spray of passing traffic. You may already have summoned a mental picture of a man holding open a door for a woman, holding out her chair or offering up his seat on the train.

Of course, men should continue to extend courtesy to women. But modern perspectives dictate that it should no longer be one way traffic between genders; these chivalries should now been seen as a shared duty. If our newly mannered society is going to work, women need to step up to the plate too.

In fact, we all do – men, women and children alike. Why? Because common courtesy isn’t simply ‘a nice way to behave’ – it knits the social fabric together. Just as importantly, sharing a joke with a stranger or helping someone with their bags makes us happy. It can be hard to break out of the bubbles of self-protection that modern living sometimes pushes us into. But offering up our seat on the bus to the person with the heavy shopping or the baby bump instead of pretending you haven’t seen them won’t just help them out – we’ll feel good about it too.

Our Web TV Show, hosted by psychologist Dr Gary Wood, is essential viewing for anyone who longs for a return to a more courteous way of life. Joined by Lisa Wood of first direct, Dr Gary will be discussing in detail the psychology of good manners and explaining how we can better get the message across to our family and to the next stranger we see in the street. He’ll also be answering your questions live online, so send yours in now. Thank you!

Social Psychologist and author Dr Gary Wood and Lisa Wood of first direct join us live online to discuss the psychology and importance of courtesy and manners, and how parents can better get the message across to their children.

For more information visit www.firstdirect.com

H: Mark Rise, host
L: Lisa Wood, First Direct
G: Dr. Gary Wood, Social Psychologist and Author

H: Hello there and welcome to the Lifestyle Show, I'm Mark Rise. Well vast majority of people think that everyday manners and common courtesy have declined these days. However many would welcome a return to the polite and chivalrous attitudes of the past, that's according to new research undertaken by First Direct. Well joining me in the studio today is psychologist Dr Gary Wood and Lisa Wood from First Direct. Welcome to the show

L: Thank you

H: My first question's come in from a guy called Harry who says "most people don't seem to display the same kind of manners and courtesy as when I was young" – he says. Do you think that manners have declined Lisa?

L: Well we've obviously done the survey and we know that 76% of people nationally are saying to us that actually they think that those common courtesies are in decline

H: That's a lot of people – ¾ of people are saying that it's in decline

L: Yes absolutely

H: Absolutely

L: But I think it's really interesting to make some of the age distinctions here and actually, you know – have those common courtesies declined or have they actually changed –

H: Yes

L: And I think you've got a really interesting take on this haven't you?

G: Yes I think if you think about young people, if you looked at the survey, they're less likely to say please and thank you – in all the age groups

H: Is that our fault as parents though, we haven't taught them that?

G: But it pre-supposes they don't actually pay appreciation

H: Right

G: So they might say nice job, or good one, or cheers mate – it's a kind of different way. Now older people might not see that as manners – they think oh roughians, can't be bothered to say please or thank you, but at the heart of it the value is still the same, it's somebody showing appreciation. So I think we need to look at how things have probably changed in some way, not totally gone out of the window

L: Yes

H: So older people surveyed are saying actually we don't understand young – the younger people's ideas of what –

G: It could be

L: It's about language isn't it?

H: Yes

L: It's about languages and you know different cultures have different ways of doing things and I think actually different age groups have different ways of doing things, and it's modernising those values that actually is really important

H: Well we'd like to know what you think watching today. We are live so if you want to send us questions directly into the studio, please do put your question in the box, along with your name and it will come through to my computer here in the studio. And indeed Laura has done just that, thank you Laura – she says "do you think we in the UK are more polite than other nations around the world?" Difficult one

G: That's a difficult one. I think again you've got cultural differences. I think we go abroad sometimes you may be thinking that people are overly friendly or they are sometimes you might think oh that seems a bit abrupt – it's just that that is the social norm, and I think in the past – you think about Brits are often seen as oh I'm very sorry, I'm very sorry

H: And the whole stiff upper lip thing

G: Yes we have got that idea. So I think you have to take into account culture. But you think about national – internationally a please and a thank you goes a long, long way in whatever language

H: Yes absolutely

G: You go over on holiday, you learn you know half a dozen words –

H: And they're always there aren't they, the please and thank you, absolutely

G: Always there. And you think about it if you learn about 50 words you can do anything. You can even get money off your hotel room, you can get a bargain, you can haggle, you can – you can get better service, and it's just with – I mean that's what we're talking about, better service

H: Is it a – is it a question that please and thank you and manners actually unlocks the door to better customer service? Should businesses be thinking about this do we think Lisa?

L: Yes I mean absolutely, it is – you know it is the underpinning of great customer service. I mean we find that it's just the little things, the really little things that people appreciate, so actually taking time out to pass the time of day, to understand what the customer's saying to you, to react to that, to actually understand them a little bit and have a bit of a banter with them, share a joke if that's appropriate. And you know it really makes sense and it makes them feel good about the organisation, and it makes us feel good about, you know the conversation we've just had with them. So absolutely customer services absolutely underpins, you know, everything

H And the one thing is of course they've got to feel good coming away from that conversation. We'll come back to customer service in a minute –

L: Yes yes

H: Just had a question in from Jill and this is really about social trends, I guess – what difference has the internet, email, all of those kinds of things made to our manners? Text messages and emails are so brute they can appear very rude and indeed you can read them the wrong way too can't you?

G: Yes I mean there are – the problem with the internet I suppose, there are – they're kind of devoid of social context, which is why we've developed all these little emoticons to go after so –

H: Yes with the little happy smiley face yes

G: You've got happy smiles, you've got sad face, you've got a quizzical face, and it's just to get across, because we've lost the interaction with the internet to some degree. So it's not saying that manners has declined it's kind of a different way of approaching things

L: Yes

G: And if you go onto any internet site, a new chat room, and you don't know the rules, you don't know the etiquette, you know you're referred to as a "newb" – and that means someone who just doesn't know the ropes. And that annoys everybody else, so even manners and courtesy apply to internet chat rooms

L: Actually I think that's really interesting point because actually we're communicating more I think because of the internet so you know this social media side, you know Facebook, people are Tweeting on Twitter and following, you know –

H: I know that we've got quite a lot of Twitter followers watching us this afternoon actually yes

L: Yes but things like that actually make communication a whole lot easier and it helps you get your message across you know to all your friends in one go. So actually you know you can send your little smiley faces to people and cheer them up or you can give them a little funny quote for the day that actually puts a smile on their face

H: Isn't that less personal though? Don't we have to worry about that because that's actually less personal, like sending a group text, something like that?

L: Yes but I think it allows us to do it whereas actually you know we wouldn't necessarily have time to do that otherwise because you know how would you do it if you're remote from someone

H: Very true

G: It's a bit like, you know shouting off a rooftop isn't it? Hello, nice day! I mean I've managed to link my Twitter and my Facebook, so I update my Twitter and it automatically updates my Facebook. And yesterday I was at a loss as to what to do with the Twitter, so I just wrote "nice day" – and then people from Facebook were going "yes it is isn't it?"

H: Absolutely yes. I see what you're saying

G: So I was getting this kind of response

L: Yes

G: And it's a feel-good factor

H: I'm wondering when we go back to the actual pure manners idea, is that we have things in our heads like a man opening a door for a woman, like a husband outing – walking down the outside of the pavement so it doesn't, so someone doesn't get splashed. We have concerns about that though and Ken sent me a question saying "I'm scared of holding doors open for women now because of women's lib, because of what they might say. Should I still do it even if they seem offended?" Yes what are the rules? The rules have changed

G: My rule is simply if somebody's offended by me opening the door for them I just follow them round the rest of the day and open every single door until they get used to it. I think we put it in the context of women's lib and feminism, it's only some feminists. I mean a lot of my best friends are – you know are feminists, and I would consider myself a feminist, I think women's rights are important, and it's not all about, you know being mean-spirited, there are mean-spirited people in any walks of life

L: Yes

G: You don't put a label on it, it's just that's a miserable person

L: Yes it shouldn't be about male or female should it?

H: No

G: Exactly

L: If a female wants to do that for a bloke then why shouldn't they?

H: Exactly. It's about the whole notion of sitting on a bus and someone who needs your seat more than you do –

L: Yes absolutely

H: Gets on the bus, but how many people just ignore that fact and bury themselves in their magazine or their newspaper or whatever?

L: Yes

H: It's about I guess taking notice of what's going on around you as well, isn't it?

G: Yes. I mean I was on the bus a couple of days ago and there was this quite young woman who actually moved her pushchair and allowed someone to come and sit down, and other people on the bus were going ah – the older – and it's important to recognise, you can get a feel-good factor by watching somebody else do something good. It doesn't have to be yourself – and it's almost contagious

H: And there are also problems of course when you think about how do you approach people, although you're saying if it goes well you can –

G: Yes sure

H: Come out feeling really good. If it goes badly and you have a bad reaction then you know there's a lot of people affected that way as well. I think we're generally worried about is someone going to think we're a nutter and you know Wendy sent me a question saying "I believe strongly in manners but I worry if I smile at people in the street they'll think I'm absolutely mad" – good question because I think we all think that. What do you do? What do you do, do you ignore that fact and just do it anyway?

G: I don't think you possibly – I think it would possibly be a bit fake to go round smiling at everyone like somebody from a shopping channel. It would – you know everything's fun, everything's wonderful and that's not real life is it? And so I think that something special about a smile is when you make eye contact with someone. It only needs to be a little smile, or sometimes it's just a nod of the head, just that you've acknowledged – I mean what we're talking about is respect and it's acknowledging human beings and that's very simple and that's universal, and that's across age groups

L: You kind of gauge people as well don't you?

H: Yes

L: You –

G: Course you do

L: You know from the look on their face whether they're going to respond to you or not and as I say you don't do it when you know that – you know he looks as though a real grump and you don't want to –

H: Do you think that we've got regional differences here, because we're based in London for this show right now, do you think that – because in big cities it's actually either more dangerous or more difficult to do that than maybe in the country, in the rural areas?

L: I certainly, you know I travel by tube a lot and you can still share those little smiles across the tube. I mean you know it probably doesn't happen so much because people are in their books and reading or you know – people are busy in London, but I've still had those few moments where you kind of, you overhear someone and you look to someone to the left of you – you know. It still happens doesn't it?

H: It's one of those things where you go I'm taking the nice feeling from that, and when you do have the good interaction, as we've said –

L: Yes

H: You know it can make you feel really good. Kate's asked a very simple question – "does doing good deeds really make you feel good?" I think it probably does doesn't it?

L: Yes

G: Oh it does, I mean certainly feeling good, if we want to feel good, if we do some kind of a small gesture it kind of taps into our self-esteem as well. We like to feel that we're good people, it also triggers a little bit – you know – a few chemicals in the brain, feel-good chemicals. And it also kind of tunes out perceptions as well, so if we take stock of the small things, and the good things, we're more likely to see good things. We've got a phrase haven't we that bad news comes in threes – we haven't got a comparable phrase for good news

H: I hope it's just random good news, I mean I really look for three –

G: I think it should be more for good news, because a part of this is a challenge actually. Let's bring good news up a little bit

H: Well it's interesting that you talk about a challenge – if 75%, 76% of people are saying they want more manners back, it's only ourselves that can do it really isn't it?

L: It's really interesting because the research also said that 76% said that they'd passed a compliment in the last month

H: Yes interesting

L: Yes it's – so it's sort of – you might be doing it but are you feeling that you're getting it back, I think is what that's probably telling us. So that is where you raise the gauntlet and say –

H: But don't you think Gary that people take compliments really badly these days as well?

G: I think it's because of lack of – simple lack of practice isn't it, and that the argument is if we pass more compliments and just – I mean not phony ones, if someone does a good job say they've done a good job. And the more practice and you've got to think about the compliment like a gift, and if somebody buys a gift you don't say oh that's a load of old tat and throw it over your shoulder –

H: Not while they're there in the interview

G: Or sell it online. What you do is you would just graciously say thank you, and if you don't feel it at the moment, it's just because you're out of practice. Just gracefully say thank you, that's all it needs

H: Well we're about halfway through the show right now, so please do keep your questions coming in. We've had quite a lot so far but more than welcome, just tap them into the computer with your name, send them along and they'll appear on my screen in front of me. Let's just go back to those regional differences because JP Smith's just sent us a message in saying "I think people have manners in the country," he says – don't know whether it's a man or a woman actually, sorry – "I live in Norfolk but when I go to London I notice a real difference." Were there differences in the survey, regionally around the country?

L: Yes I mean I think there were extremes weren't there, there were the very far north and the very far south were quite similar. I think the biggest regional differences were around London

G: Well what – the strange figure that's cropped up is that people are throughout Great Britain, people are more likely – most likely to give up their seats in London for somebody else. Now I find that quite staggering having been on the tube, so I think you know it's a case of I need to get out my clipboard and count a few of them. But I mean it's a challenge to everyone to sort of indulge in these random acts of kindness, these common courtesies, to see what effect it does have. I mean you treat it like a personal experiment, you just try it out, see what happens. Does it make you feel better?

H: And the message that's coming across is if you don't try you'll never know

G: Yes

L: I think the other thing as well is if you do it, you actually start to get it back. So if you carry on doing it, people kind of expect it from you, and so they think oh she's always saying thank you, I'll say thank you to her too

H: But it goes back into very old times, very old proverbs of course doesn't it? Smile and the whole world smiles with you

L: Exactly

H: Be miserable and they all will leave you alone – I can't remember what it is –

G: It's very true

H: It is very true. Mos has sent us a question, Mos Ross just sent us a live question here. He says "I've just come back from a holiday in America where everywhere I went people were polite and courteous" – I think a lot of people say this about America

L: Yes

H: "It's a little sad" he says "to come back to a country where even the most basic of manners seem lost. So do we think America's winning this war?

G: I think what you do is you make again cultural comparisons, and I think when it really matters I think across, you know right across the board, people are courteous, when it really matters. I mean you could argue that America's just a little bit more – too courteous

H: Is it not that they're just a more service-related society so when you go into a restaurant, you know their managers tell them that they've got to be right on top of it?

G: Yes I think that's entirely possible yes

L: I mean there are, there – you know I've been to the States last year and fantastic customer service, and it makes you feel so good about the place that you're – particularly restaurants, they're fantastic at it in restaurants

H: I don't mind if it's a bit fake to be honest

L: Yes

H: I'd like it in the supermarket in Britain, I really would

L: Yes

H: I'd like the person behind the – I say to the person behind the counter "have a nice day" And they look at me as if I am completely mad

G: Yes I say that as well yes

H: But in America it comes the other way – they say have a nice day and you go oh ok thanks

L: Yes

G: But it does work if you're in shops and you say how is your day going? Or especially I would make a point if someone is actually rushed off their feet, I actually acknowledge that they're rushed off their feet and you can look down. And you just acknowledge that. And while we're talking about these acknowledgements, you tend to get better service – I don't do it to get better service, I do it just to acknowledge that somebody's doing a good job

L: Yes, yes. And that's – a really important point actually about actually tuning in to people because that's one thing that we really, really sort of stress when we're training our people in terms of telephone calls, because over the telephone it's difficult that you've not got the face-to-face contact –

H: Call centres anywhere, it's the faceless problem in –

L: Exactly

H: In lots of different companies

L: Exactly, so you've got to be really, really tuned in to people to have that sense of, you know do they want to pass the time of day with me, have they got time to you know develop a conversation, have a joke, make them feel good about – you know – the conversation we're having – or are they actually in a rush, because you can sense that about people –

H: Yes you can

L: Can't you and that's really important I think, I think that's great customer service when you are delivering that

H And are they going to take the time to listen to the way I pronounce my name so they get it right through the rest of the call?

L: Yes

H: Tiny little things – but it is tiny little things like that isn't it?

L: Yes absolutely

G: That happens a lot – people at an "s" to my name which is infuriating

H: Exactly right. Lisa sent us a question, thank you Lisa, saying "should we be saying thank you to people for doing their jobs? I think too often we ignore people who do everyday jobs – when was the last time you said thank you to a bus driver?" Actually last week – I can say I do actually do that, I do get off and I say thank you

L: Yes I do

H: If I'm up that end of the bus. Of course in London they make you get off down the other end but –

L: Yes that's true

G: I do it every time. And I've noticed also it's right across the board – even young people. I mean young people get some bad press and that's sort of not having manners, but you do get them making some gesture of appreciation, I mean they'll say "cheers" or "thanks" I mean you know, it's may not be thanks

H: Alright mate?

G: Alright mate? Cheers mate. And it'll be something like that, so there is that appreciation and it's across the board. And I noticed that that kind of, perhaps over the past 5 years has made a real resurgence. When I was a kid it always used to happen, then it kind of disappeared I think the nasty '80s had a lot to answer for, and now I think people are tuning in to say – it's just important

H: James has sent us a question saying "I'm amazed at how informal sales and customer service are – people are now. I regularly get called mate by people I've never met before. I have a simple motto, if you want me to buy something, call me sir." I have to say I pretty much agree with that one.

G: The thing I don't like in shops is when you go in and they say "how are you?" and I always say –

H: Before you've even looked at anything

G: I always say who are you? That's probably – and the reason they do that is because if they speak to you you're probably less likely to steal something, so there's a psychology there

H: Oh you think it's that? Oh –

G: No it is that, that's the psychology behind it

L: Oh yes

G: If it's your mate then you're not going to steal from them

H: Right

G: But I kind of find that kind of fake, and I think what we're not talking about is that kind of fake. They don't care if I'm having a good day or not. What we're talking about is genuine concern about having rapport with people and recognising that you know, we're facing challenging times, this is one aspect of our lives we can take control of. I mean if I say to you "good morning" – you could snap "is it?"

H:Yes but it's less likely I'm going to do that

G: But people do so what if you were – what would you achieve? The answer's nothing. If you just say good morning back and you smile back, even though you're not feeling fantastic, that does have a knock-on affect

H: Does that mean it's dangerous to go into work or wherever and say "morning, how are you?" Because do we really want to know? I mean the answer that we're looking for is "fine thanks" – and that makes us feel good about –

G: Well yes I suppose that is terrible, that we do expect – we don't expect people to say –

L: You do yes

H: I wouldn't expect someone to go oh I'm terrible –

L: It kind of shocks you doesn't it?

H: Exactly, you don't tell them that

G: You don't want to hear about somebody's internal organs first thing in the morning and you know that's probably what you're going to get from some people. Most people understand that it's a courtesy though

H: I think yes, it just depends what mood you hit them in really doesn't it?

G: It is

H: Pauline sent us a question, thank you for your question Pauline – it says "how can we re-introduce manners into society? Kids that have manners seem to be in the minority these days, to which probably means the parents haven't taught them. When did we stop teaching manners?" And Pauline says "my kids have great manners, I have to say" – I'm sure they do

G: I'm not sure that kids don't have good manners

L: Yes

G: I think it's kind of, like we've been talking –

L: It's the value piece isn't it?

G: It's different and I think if you're going to teach you've got to teach values

L: Yes

G: I don't think it serves anything at all just to have some kind of script that you follow. It has to be generated deeper down, you know what are your values, do you want to be respected, do you want to be appreciated, and that's the basis from which manners and courtesy should come

L: And it's the language thing as well isn't it?

H: Yes absolutely the difference between young people and street talk and everything else yes

L: I mean you're never going to get young people dossing their baseball caps are you?

H: Those days have gone

G: It's not going to happen

L: Yes

H: And it's not bad manners, that's different. It's just different

H: Do you think that partly we're looking back and going oh – and remembering with rose-tinted spectacles?

G: I think, I mean I think certainly – we can all look back and I remember as a kid there were some really miserable old so and so's that you encountered, the same as you do today

L: Yes

G: And I think what we've talked about is that we do make an effort to communicate in many more different ways, and there are courtesies, online, face-to-face – these courtesies are there and they're there for a reason, because it's kind of – it's a short cut to an interaction. You don't have to establish I respect you, you respect me – we are decent human beings, you don't have to go through all this, writing underground rules on your clip – you know, on your white board, you just assume basically we all want to be treated with, you know a modicum of decency, of respect and appreciation

L: Yes

G: And it just cuts down so much of the –

L: I do think though there's a little bit about, you know, current times, recession, that actually kind of makes you look back and think about the good old days, but I think there is an element of rose-tinted glasses because when you look back at the good old days, there's lots of good things but as you've said there's still the grumpy old, you know the grumpy old people and those kinds of things

H: Well you can get more information about this by going to the First Direct website at firstdirect.com but you've got a video up there haven't you?

L: Yes we have

H: First Direct has actually taken – practicing what they preach and taken it out onto the streets –

L: Yes

H: What can we see then?

L: We did, we took actually some of our people, so we took our own people, they're not actors at all, and we took them out onto the streets of York and we gave them tiny little bags of chocolates and a small bunch of flowers and we just let them loose and said right go and do random acts of kindness, and let's see what the reactions are. So the video is all about the reactions of the people, and it was great fun to do it, and hopefully you'll have great fun watching it as well

H: That's brilliant, and that's at firstdirect.com. Well Dr Gary Wood and Lisa Wood thank you very much indeed for joining us today

L: Thank you

H: That's all we've got time for, but I hope that we have raised the bar for some manners in your life, so a very good afternoon and thank you for watching

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