Talking to your child about sex, drugs and drinking can be hard, but it is crucial if you are to give them the confidence to navigate through the minefield of the teenage years. As a parent or teacher, we must accept that the increasing desire to experiment is part of growing up – but not all kids are able to work easily through the risks and situations they face. While we cannot always be there to guide our children, we can make sure we prepare them in the best way possible by talking openly, discussing key issues and offering guidance on how to stay safe.

Knowing how to help your teen without seeming judgmental or out-of-touch is no simple task. That's why renowned author and parenting expert Suzie Hayman is hosting an exclusive webchat that will make communicating with your kids on tricky subjects much easier and more successful. Suzie has established herself as an authority on teenage behaviour over a career spanning more than 20 years. As well as dispensing invaluable advice she'll be taking your questions live online and telling you about a new website for parents of teens. Log on to the chat for the full story.

Suzie Hayman joins us live online to discuss helping parents advise their teenagers on difficult subjects.

For more information visit www.gotateenager.org.uk

H: Host, Nicola Bonn
S: Suzi Hayman, author and parenting expert

H: Hello and welcome to the Parenting Show, I’m Nicola Bonn. Now then, if you’re a parent and your kids have just hit the teen years, no doubt you’re a bit worried about how to talk to them about sex, drugs and drinking. It’s a scary prospect to them, but it is crucial that you give them the confidence to navigate through the minefield of the teenage years. Joining me today to offer an insight into how best to handle this challenging time, is parenting expert Suzie Hayman, hiya Suzie

S: Hello Nicola

H: Are you well?

S: I’m fine thank you very much

H: Good. Now of course we are live today, so if you want to get your questions to Suzi, or if you have any comments, please use the box on the screen and feel free to ask whatever you like. Ok now we’re going to start with probably the toughest area – sex. At what age do we start talking to our kids about sex? How do we go about it?

S: What age do we start? As soon as they can speak! Actually two years old – I mean really, sex is something that kids are interested in – in different ways – from very early on. And if you want to set a proper foundation, you need to actually answer the questions. Not sitting them down and giving them a lecture, but answering their questions, making it very clear that you’re askable about these things right from the beginning. Never change the subject. If they ask you, you know questions you don’t want to answer in public, you say that’s a very good question, let’s look at it when we get back. If they ask you questions you don’t know the answer to, you say that’s a really good question, I don’t know, let’s find out. But if you set that foundation early, by the time they get to teenagers, then they’re still going to be seeing you as someone that they can come to talk about these kind of things and ask the questions. If you have found it embarrassing and you’d rather set a barrier up, I would say it’s never too late to overcome that and get back to a situation where you can talk. And I suppose the way to do it, again is to listen for the questions, listen for the discussion points. You know when it comes up in soaps on television, when it comes up in something you’ve heard, something on radio or in the newspapers. You know, express an opinion and ask them for their opinion. That’s actually the most important thing. It’s not about lecturing and laying down laws or telling them facts, it’s actually about talking about feelings and emotions and opinions

H: And I mean if a child appears to be making fun of it or is perhaps being a little bit rude, how do you handle that? Because I know that my parents were quite good, but friends would be told off if they mentioned anything to do with sex – don’t be so rude. It was –

S: Exactly, and I think that that’s something we really need to – we do it because we’re embarrassed, we do it because it’s a subject perhaps our parents and because their parents, you know, weren’t comfortable with, and so there are taboos all the way down the line and that’s why we find it difficult. So we tell people off, because actually there’s an embarrassment element there. I think what is much more honest perhaps is to be able to say that embarrasses me, or that’s a difficult subject, or something like that to indicate that you find it difficult, but not to shy away from it. Obviously if kids are using words, you know “rude” words, often they’re doing it because they know you’ll jump. They’ve found a button. And you can say to them, I don’t like saying that word, that’s a word that perhaps is not nice in society, I understand why you use it, but perhaps we don’t use it. Something like that, but I think it’s about answering questions and recognising this is a legitimate subject to be, you know, to be curious about

H: A natural subject

S: Absolutely

H: We’ve actually got a question in actually that fits in with what we’ve been talking about. “My 8 year old asked me how babies were made, and I explained that mummy and daddy cuddled in a special way” – I remember that!

S: Yes

H: “At what stage should I be graphic with the details, and should I mention such words as intercourse?” That’s from Shirley

S: Again, when you realise, when you can feel that your child actually is ready for it and is asking for it. Children will usually give you the steer, if you listen. An 8 year old? You could use the word intercourse. You could say we call this intercourse – that’s a long word. And leave it at that, and they may come back to it. Remember that children will always, you know, need repetition and they will always come back to these sorts of things. Good to get some good books around, there are some excellent good books around, certainly go on Gotateenager, and go on Parentlineplus.org.uk to find out more suggestions, you know where to get these sorts of things. But I think that if you’ve got the material to look through with them, to show them, certainly from 8, I think there’s a very good book called – oh goodness, it’s by a woman called Robbie Harrison, and she’s excellent, even for very young children

H: Is that a new book?

S: It’s actually – no it’s not new, and you’ll find it on Amazon. Very, very good – I think it’s called – I’m going blank here. Anyway the name is Robbie Harrison

H: Robbie Harrison

S: Look for it on Amazon. But you know that’s very clear and quite graphic, but very delicate, and particularly framed for young children

H: Do you think if you’ve got a son and a daughter you have to address them differently when it comes to this? Because boys – I mean I know what boys are like, I mean I remember from being a teenager what they were like, they just wanted to talk about it the whole time, and girls would be embarrassed or –

S: Except, both are just equally curious, I mean again that’s something about the way we treat boys and girls, and we leave boys perhaps in little huddles to have these sorts of conversations on their own. It’s very sad, because we’re always thinking about pregnancy, we tend to direct most of our anxiety and therefore sometimes our advice towards girls, and leave the boys sort of hanging which is why they start sort of nudging and making up the jokes and being obsessed with it. I think it’s really important actually that we give the same sort of information, exactly the same information about both sexes to both sexes, and really be putting the image forward that this is something that is in fact equally important to both, and in the same way, so that in other words if we’re bringing our sons up to recognise love, and commitment and relationships are just as important as sex, and in a way the other way round, in other words girls also have an entitlement to enjoy sex when they’re older. It’s just as important as telling boys that they have a responsibility to have love

H: So you’ve got parents talking to the kids, now what if you’re a professional, healthcare professional, is there a certain way that you can advise them to talk to teenagers?

S: I think the point is it’s really important to be honest, and I think that parents and professionals need to work in partnership, so that therefore it’s no good as a parent thinking school will do it all. Similarly I don’t think we want the idea of our schools being the only ones who are talking about sex to our kids. It really very much has to be that parents and schools need to be communicating, need to know what each is saying in order to be able to make sure that these sorts of subjects get answered. I think the important thing however is it’s not about sitting down, either in a lesson always or at home, and giving a lecture, it’s about recognising that this is something that is a part of life, it’s wound through life, it’s –

H: You’re so right actually because it’s that moment when you say today we’re having sex education, everyone giggles because it’s a big deal, but you’re right, just make it a natural –

S: Well it’s about babies, it’s about, you know, look at that person whose pregnant, about so and so you know whose having a baby or so and so is bringing up a child, or you know there’s a toddler next door – you know all these things are – there’s somebody falling in love, there’s somebody getting engaged. All those sorts of things are part of life and therefore that’s when the questions can come at any time in the home, and you need to be prepared to sort of have your antennae up, listen when you hear that question, pay attention to it and answer it as best you can

H: We’ve got lots of questions coming in, I’ll ask them in one second. Just quickly, what do you do if you find out that your daughter or son is having underage sex, you’re feeling upset – how do you deal with this situation then?

S: Deep breath, don’t do anything initially, because the whole point is if you’re going to slam in with a “you shouldn’t be doing this” you’re liable to have them put up the barriers and not want to talk to you. Think very closely about your attitude, your feelings, what’s going on here, and what is important. And I would have thought in a lot of cases the most important thing is that you don’t want this to result in an infection or a pregnancy, so the first thing to think about really is safety first. And I think the second thing is to think about why are they doing this? Because early sex is not something that most kids get involved in. Actually it’s still a minority – I think that’s something to remember. You know we have the impression that everybody under 16 is having early sex, actually it’s still the minority. And it’s usually for reasons. And the reasons maybe showing off, particularly among boys. Wanting to be part of the crowd, wanting to be the same as everybody else, not realising that in fact you’re not going to be the same as everybody else if you do have early sex. But it can also be an expression of “nobody’s paying attention to me at home”

H: Right

S: I’m not getting the love I need at home, so what is really going on here, well it could just be copying you, if you’re someone whose had you know perhaps a very early family, they’re going to be like you as well. So it’s thinking that through and then sitting down, and perhaps saying to them about your anxiety. So what you don’t do is say you are doing this and I’m angry, but I realise you’re doing this and it slightly worries me, can we talk about it? So you’re having a dialogue rather than you know an interrogation, or a conflict

H: Ok. Let’s go to some of these questions. First of all – “my son has a girlfriend who he wants to have to stay over at our house. I’d rather them do this than them have sex somewhere else, but my wife thinks that it’s out of the question. Can we talk to our son about being sensible?”

S: I think the first thing to do in fact is for the two of you to talk together, that’s really really important – to get on the same line. And I think that both of you need to understand where the other one is coming from, that there’s an anxiety on the part of one of you about allowing this, condoning it, and a feeling on the other side of saying but it’s happening already, so that if we deny it and turn our back on it, it’s going to happen in less than desirable circumstances

H: I think a lot of parents though find it very hard to think that their child is having sex under their roof. I know my parents did for a long time

S: And I totally understand that, and I do understand that, and I think you know looking at your feelings and dissecting them in a sense and becoming comfortable with what you’re feeling, is actually quite important, but I think it is about thinking, you know, how long are you going to do this? If you’re saying I’m going to be uncomfortable about my child having sex, at what point are you going to not be comfortable when they’re married?

H: When they’re married!

S: When they have children, you know at what point are you going to say, you know, this is changing. And what about you? You know what happened in your life? In other words, are you laying down the laws that in fact you didn’t keep yourself, and you know what does that say and what message are you giving? Are you giving mixed messages? So it’s very important I think to have a really in-depth conversation between the two of you, and to think about the results of whichever way you’re going. So in other words if you say yes it’s fine, what do you think would happen? If you said no it’s not fine, what do you think would happen? And which of those two do you think is desirable? And then I think rather than sitting down and lecturing your son about being sensible, I think what the three of you need to do is to have a conversation about what is going on here. What does he feel? I mean I’m actually very impressed by a young man who comes to his parents and asks, I’m very impressed by a young man who has the care and respect for his girlfriend that he’s prepared to want to do this in public rather than make it a hidden thing that he’s ashamed about, and perhaps he isn’t handling it very well. It’s more likely for instance that they’re using contraception and being caring with each other, that this is the way that they’re going about it

H: Lot better than some other options

S: So I think it’s about listening and negotiating and compromising, than about one of you trying to make the other one come round to their point of view, whether we’re talking about the couple or talking about couple’s child

H: I like that, I like the fact that actually the root of the problem might be the couple. Now we’ve got a question from Liz – “my daughter’s best friend is a trouble-maker, I know that they’re taking drugs and drinking and she’s only 14. How do I talk to my daughter about this? I don’t want to come across patronising and drive her away.” That is a big problem isn’t it?

S: It’s a deeply worrying problem I think when you realise that your 14 year old, who, after all you see as a child, has suddenly overstepped a boundary and is doing things that you can see perhaps are dangerous and you know are risky. How do you do something about it? Again, the step back and think about what’s going on here. Now for a start I have to say that whenever I hear somebody talking about you know the friend who is a bad lot, or the group that is the bad lot, I would like to know what the other person’s parents are saying, because I would be willing to bet that perhaps somebody else in that group is talking about the other bad lot. We tend to look at our teenagers and not want to think that they’re the instigators. We want to think of them as being sweet, nice, biddable little children until somebody else acts upon them. The fact of the matter is all of the behaviour that we’re talking about here could come about for two reasons – one of the reasons is acting out, and what I mean by that is that if something’s going on in that child’s life, either in their family or in their own life that is making them unhappy or angry or confused or something, they could be acting out their anger and their confusion by doing risky things

H: So do you think by taking drugs and drinking they’re actually making a statement?

S: Could be about something that’s happening in their life or in the family’s life. The other reason they may be doing it is because they’re teenagers and the point about all teenagers, the task in a sense, the job of teenagers is to push that boundary, to experiment

H: Why do teenagers do these risky things?

S: Because they are trying to change, it’s the transition from being a child who looks up to their parents and does what their parents say, to an adult who looks to themselves and does what they say, and that transition period, they push the boundaries a bit too much just to experiment that’s what being a teenager is all about. Now the problem is that sometimes that behaviour is, you know ok, a little bit risky. You might end up with a you know a bruised knee or a broken leg because of it, or you may end up with a heroin habit, and you know being killed in a road crash. I mean the point about it is how far you push and how far you’re trying to push. Now what we are there as parents to do is perhaps realise that some of this behaviour in fact is perfectly normal, and to discuss with them what the boundary is, but also perhaps sometimes to wonder why they’re doing this. Now this kid may be caught up in this because someone in that group is the one whose got the problems at home, is doing these things and everybody else is following along because they want to be part of the group. Or it could be your child whose actually the one who has the problems, and maybe almost the ring leader in this, and you’re not going to know until you can sit down with her, and actually say to her not, again, back to what I said earlier, not you’re doing this and I’m angry, but I’m worried about what I see happening. Can we talk about my anxiety, because I love you and I want to see what I can do to make it better for you

H: Ok. Thank you that’s a brilliant answer. We touched just now on drink and drugs, just here’s a good question from Lucinda “what age should my son be allowed to have a drink with his friends? My husband thinks that 16 is acceptable and that we should be encouraging drinking within the house, but I’m not sure this is right.”

S: A difficult question there because there’s this bit about encouraging and allowing, you know sometimes we feel that – sometimes with teenagers you think you’re encouraging or allowing and you’re doing nothing of the sort, because they’re already deciding they can do it and what you say or do has very little to do –

H: So do you think

S: With it

H: So do you think that if the kid’s drinking in the house he could also be drinking in the park or –

S: The problem is that sometimes if he’s not drinking in the house he may be drinking in the park. In other words if you lay the law down and become too inflexible, that’s when they see the boundary that they have to push and they go off and do something. Parents who say, actually this is a flexible boundary, we will discuss it, yes we have alcohol at home, you can share it with us, actually then don’t give a teenager a reason to then go out and show-off with their friends. So sometimes that can be extremely helpful. But I think if you set an age where you say ah at this age you can do it, it’s almost as if to say well at this age I have to do it because you know I’ve been waiting until this age and you know now I can run riot. Legally speaking, the point about, you know the 16 or the 18, that may be the age in which they can be brought drink in a restaurant or they can buy drink for themselves in a pub, but that law doesn’t actually apply to in the home. They can drink under 16 at home

H: Think of France, little kids of 5 are just having a tiny little taste of wine on the tongue

S: Well exactly. And they could be, and there’s lots of discussion about this, it could be that at least if you are not making it a hidden, you know that boundary over which once they can do this, they are then adults, and therefore they want to do it to prove they’re adults, if you don’t do that they can handle drink in a better way. I would certainly say 16, I have to tell you that if yo9u’re saying that he can’t drink before he’s 16, I’d be quite surprised if he’s not drinking with his friends under the age of 16, because most teenagers these days do. The figures actually are quite frightening, and certainly my personal experience is the more sensible you are at home, the more that you don’t make it an inflexible taboo, the better off you are. But you have to do your own modelling as well. In other words if you’re someone who sees drink as something that’s the answer, you get, you know out of your mind in a celebration, you always have a drink at the end of the day and say oh God that’s wonderful, I needed that, the message you’re passing to your teenagers is, drink is the answer and you should be doing it

H: And then they’ll do that

S: So look at what you’re doing before you start laying down laws for them

H: I mean I was very quickly going to say that I think in this country drink is part of our culture, drugs are not part of our culture. What do you do, because obviously with drink you can encourage it in the house for a little bit, but what do you do about drugs?

S: Actually hang on. You know, smoking, nicotine, that’s the most addictive drug there is

H: Yes

S: Nicotine is the most addictive drug there is and you know it’s not illegal. So in fact we have a very funny attitude and a very funny relationship with substances which take you out of your mind

H: Yes

S: Now you know, in other words that can be alcohol, it can be nicotine, it can be tranquilisers, it can be depressants. We actually do use an awful lot of drugs in our community, not just alcohol. So again we have to think about what are the rules, because it’s very difficult when you say to children, you mustn’t do this it’s dangerous, don’t use ecstasy, and a kid can come back at you and say how many kids died of ecstasy last year? How many people died of nicotine? How many people died of alcohol? You know there are other things that are – how many people died of tranquilisers or anti-depressants or whatever? So it’s a difficult argument to have if you’re going to be you know, this is the way it is. You need to be discussing it. But you certainly should be able to produce your anxieties, because I would be very anxious about anybody, whether they’re teenagers or adults, who felt that taking something to calm them down or pep them up or whatever, on a routine basis, was the way to live

H: If a parent is very concerned about more hardcore drug taking where can they go for advice?

S: Certainly come to gotateenager, come to our website, gotateenager.org.uk, we’ve got lots of advice there, particularly on helping you talk it over with your young people, think about it yourself and if necessary go on to find other help as well

H: Ok one more question we’ve got time for, it’s from John and I think this is every parent’s worst nightmare – “my daughter isn’t far away from hitting puberty. What’s the best advice you can give to ensure she doesn’t indulge in unprotected sex?” That moment, I can just imagine it!

S: I know but don’t look at it like that, I mean hitting puberty, whack, you know –

H: Yes you’re so right!

S: As if, you get there and whippee everything goes funny. It’s not like that. Don’t fear that your teenager’s teenageship, because actually it’s an enormously fun time and one that you can enjoy and encourage them to enjoy. Don’t think of it as something that suddenly snaps and happens and as soon as she can she will. One of the ways perhaps to delay young people having premature sex is to give them something else to love, i.e. you and the family. The more you pay attention to them the more you’re giving them a place where they feel safe and recognised and valued and listened to and respected the less they’re going to go out – have to go out there to get that value and respect and meaning. That’s really the best way to stop them having sex, is actually to give them other things to do in their lives

H: Suzi you’ve been brilliant, all about communication, love and example from what I can pick up

S: Yes

H: Now as Suzi has said if you want more information on any of these topics the place to go is gotateenager.org.uk, and all I can say is good luck!