Have you been single for as long as you can remember? Do you have your eyes on a crush but aren’t sure if you’re right for each other? Or is your current relationship looking like it is going nowhere? If so, you’re not alone.

Love is arguably one of the most complex things in life and although we all want that special someone, finding Mr or Mrs Right can be tricky business. And once you’ve found them, it’s not always plain sailing - making your relationship work and stand the test of time is no small feat.

With so much to learn about love, we could all benefit from our very own specialist to show us how to get it right. Step in world-renowned relationship expert Dr Gian Gonzaga. eHarmony’s Dr Gonzaga has spent decades studying the components for a successful relationship and has the power to tell you in just 10 minutes whether you and a potential partner have a long-term future together.

So if you’re single, dating or divorced, the man with a hand in 2% of all marriages in the USA* is here to answer anything you ever wanted to know about love and can share his expert know-how on finding the perfect partner.

Dr Gian Gonzaga joins us live on Tuesday 8th November at 2:30pm to discuss finding true love

For more information visit www.eharmony.co.uk

*Number of people married as a result of meeting on eHarmony in the USA, according to Harris Interactive, 2007.

Hello I’m Katy Pullinger and welcome to the Lifestyle Show. Now then, love is arguably one could be one of the most complex things in life and although we all want that special someone, finding Mister and Mrs Right is quite a challenge and once you’ve found them it’s not always plain sailing. Making your relationship work and standing the test of time is not small feat. Well today I’m delighted to be joined by a world renound relationship expert, who can hopefully shed light on the subject, Dr Gian Gonzaga, thank you for coming in today.

Thank you for having me today, Katie

Now remember we are live so if you do have a question you’d like to ask us, put it in the box, press submit and we will try to get through them as quickly as possible, try to get through as many as possible. Right then Shan, lets get stuck in we’ve got a lot of questions in already but let’s just start off with; how have relationships changed over the years. Do you think the same problems are every present today as they are there were 50 years ago?

I think a lot of the same issues that couples have been having are the same kinds of things they have been having for many, many years. It’s just that they way that they come out is very different. So you might find that people are still arguing over finances, that’s the same as a long time ago. They’re still having struggles over how to balance relationships with children and with family. Those are the same kind of universal themes that are there throughout all of history but you do find out that those kinds of things manifest themselves in very different ways across different periods so a job today is very different to job 20 or 40 or 60 years ago.

Sure it is because it’s not just a standard 9 to 5 anymore people are working longer hours, different stresses and things like that. Now we cant… we can’t avoid the fact that it is the Christmas season which often brings even more stresses on… on family relationships and just, you know, husbands, wives, girlfriends. So what do you do to try to try and avoid those big clashes?

Well, one of the things you can do is to make sure to plan a lot of things in the relationship. So as you are going into the holiday season we forget sometimes because it is such a build up over time and you have so many things to do and so many competing demands you really have to think about where it is that you are going to put your time into your relationships and make sure to try to section some time off for each one of the important relationships that you have to just spend with that person, just be around them because if you don’t they are just going to feel washed away with the rest of the folks.

But also, if you do end up having that little spat over something over something small, you know how… you have… do you have you got to jump in an apologise straight away, what do you do, how do you make up for it?

Well I think one of the things to remember is that everyone is going to have little spats and when you are stressed you are going to have less time, you have less energy, you have less mental strength to deal with those stressors and the holidays are a really big time, you’ve got a lot of things to do, you’ve got a lot of commitments you’ve got to keep up with. So realise that life, the circumstances are going to get to you sometimes and you’re going to have those spats. It’s not about the relationship it’s probably about the stress you’re under. So apologise, take a deep breath, take a moment to re-evaluate and realise that when the holiday season, even with these occasional spats can be a wonderful time and just get back to it.

Well of course, you know, the holidays aren’t all the way through the year. So what… what kind of tips can you give us to having… well a longevity in your relationship.

Well, there are a couple of things you can do, um if you are still at the stage where you are still trying to find a partner one of the important things to be able to know is whether or not they are going to be compatible with you. Are they going to share the same kinds of values and interests and personality traits that are going to be able to make you understand each other, are going to improve the communication in a relationship over the long haul. If you are in a relationship there’s lots of opportunities for you to still work on your relationship as you go along. Try to understand your partner try to laugh a lot with your partner. Positive emotion is a powerful thing in a relationship and lots of research has shown that people who can laugh, even during an argument, are the ones that seem to have the most satisfying relationships.

That’s, that’s… that’s good to know. Um… now if you are single, ah… do opposites attract, do you think?

Um, opposites can be attractive to each other and often times people find themselves excited by something that’s new or different. The problem is over the long term of a relationship you have to negotiate those differences again and again and again. So at the beginning it might be exciting if you are introverted and like to stay in to go out with someone who is extroverted and wants to be out all the time but imagine going for 20 or 30 or 40 years where you always having to negotiate do you stay in or do we go out and always be a negotiation from different points of views. It doesn’t mean that these relationships can’t work. It doesn’t mean you have to be the same on everything but having those differences can make relationships more challenging over time.

Yeah, especially when you other half has a, a… maybe well a life in sport perhaps. Like my other half is in windsurfing and I loose him to the sea all the time and I just have to put up with it

And when you show those things… there are… it’s important to have some things that are the distinct because people still want to have their own identities in relationships but when you share things, when you experience things together, you get to grow as a couple and get to grow together rather than individually.

Well, let’s try and get through some of these questions then because we have had so many questions in on this. Now Elisabeth says um I’ve got a reputation amongst my work colleagues of being a man eater however this is harsh I’m just I’m just picky and I won’t settle for anything less than perfection. Well that’s fair enough but um, how perhaps could she well, avoid having that ‘man eater’ label? Especially at the office Christmas party.

Well you want to try to avoid mixing up the romantic life with your work life, as much as you possibly can because that can just get very complicated. But in terms of being someone that is too picky, someone that goes through relationships very quickly one of the things you can do is think of what is really, really important to you, what really is the deal breaker in your relationship and stand by those things because in the end if you compromise on the things that are really important to you, you’re going to end up being dissatisfied with the relationship in the long run. What people sometimes do, is they use a lot of criteria that are artificial or aren’t real for a partner because they’re themselves, a little bit scared about getting into the relationship. So if you are really looking for someone figure out what it is that’s really important to you and then maybe some of the other things that you would usually prefer in a relationship, maybe you can compromise on some of those things because in the long run the deeply held things are going to be the ones that are most important.

Compromise is one of those words that seem to come up whenever anyone’s giving you advise about relationship it seems to be a key word. So one… one to remember. Now I just want to pick up again on… on office environments because quite a lot of people, obviously they’ve asked this question because of the time of year um, perhaps Julia she says ah, I’m madly in love with someone in my office but just can’t face rejection. How can I show him that I am serious and I am worth it without risking our professional relationship? Now you said try and avoid…

You have to… you have to be very careful when pursuing romance in the office. It’s not that it can’t work and it does work and many couples have been very successful coming out of office romances. The difficulty is that if it doesn’t work out for you, you’re risking both your personal life and the rejection as well as ah… perhaps the professional life. So if you are going to do that I would advise that you would pursue that slowly. Make sure that those things are there before you take that leap in there. Don’t do it at the office party. Um, that will show it to you and to everybody else there and if you end up getting rejected at the office party it can make things worse but realise that if there really is something there between the two of you it’s not going to go anywhere and there’s lots of ways to get to know that person and develop that relationship and see whether or not that connection is there without necessarily needing to go that quickly.

There we go, right good… good tips, remember those ones. We’ve got one from Jim Samson that says I’m in my late 20’s and all my peers around me are getting big mortgages and getting married, I feel like I’m getting left behind on the shelf. I’m tired of meeting girls in bars who aren’t right for me. So perhaps the best tip you could give us is maybe, where could he meet nicer girls perhaps?

There are many, many places where you can end up meeting people. Um, one of the things people end up doing is they fall into the trap of just going to the same old places. One of the things is that if you don’t mesh with a person from a certain type of place a lot of people who are similar to that are going to end up going to their same places. So, there is a certain type of person who goes to a bar and it’s not that they’re wrong, maybe that’s just not the right kind of person that you are looking for. So you might try some friends, you might try ah, some old school group ah, you might try, um we have a wonderful site, eharmony.co.uk that matches you up with people who are compatible. These different ways are just new ways of meeting people. They are all opportunities to find that special someone and may help you along the way of finding that partner that’s going to keep you happy.

Perfect, thank you, right then, Shawn from Wimbledon, hello Shawn if you are watching right now, I don’t tend to have a problem attracting the ladies when I’m out and about and in particular when on the dance floor however, once the passions over my relationships don’t seem to survive, what would you suggest? Sop, he’s got the passion, we need the longevity don’t we Gian.

Um, that can be difficult for sometimes because the things that are attractive in the short term are often very different from what we look for or to make a long term relationship successful. So, we all know what we are attracted to, everybody’s a little bit different, everybody knows that very well. In the long haul, it’s the values and the personality and the interests that you share because it’s going to allow the two of you to understand each other, the two of you to share that kind of compatibility and that’s going to help build the intimacy in a relationship. So if you are looking across the long haul, what you really want to do is try to find someone similar to you on those really important traits, those really important personality characteristics.

Ok, so that’s a good tip for longevity. Um, now on a slightly opposite note, Suzie’s saying should I expect to click with someone on a first date or should I give it two or three? So perhaps if there isn’t that major passionate spark at the beginning should she give it a bit longer?

Um, sometimes. Um, there are definitely some people who click very early on in a relationship. There are people who have told us that we know, like the instant we met each other we know that that was right. There are lots of other people that say, well I wasn’t so sure at the beginning it took me a little while to figure out… and there are lots of people that we talk to that have said, I was friends with this person for years and years and years before one day we finally realised that we should be together. There’s lots of different ways to get into a relationship. If you don’t feel that click right off, it might just take a little while to realise that that person really is that special one there for you.

Ok, um right Julie says… oh hang on, let’s go to James Small. How can I tell from a person’s body language if they are interested in me?

There are lots of things. I’ve actually done a lot of research on this myself. Um so if you are looking for people who might be more interested in connecting with you or experiencing some sort of deep affection. Things like smiling, leaning towards you, gesturing with your hands as long as it’s positive, as long as it’s not negative gestures. *laugh* Those are the kinds of things you are going to look for because it means that someone is feeling very close to you, alright. If you are looking for something a little more passionate, ah anything around the lips so puckering the lips or biting the lips are clear signals that someone might be feeling something a little bit different for you.

So if someone is just sitting there giving you a little bit of a pout *laugh*

If they are giving you a little bit of a pout of biting their bottom lip it might be a very good date for you that night.

Well there we go; hopefully you can spot those tips from now on. Ah, let’s… this is a good one from Sarah. Is it possible to be in love with more than one person?

Um, there are people who claim that it is, um, that’s unusual for people there are those that have said that they can be in love with more than one person at one time. Often times that means that they are attracted to different components of each person or that they are fulfilling some different need in each one of them. In the long haul at least in our society it’s generally very difficult to maintain relationships with more than one person because eventually the norm for us as a culture is to have a relationship between two people rather than more than that. So you might be attracted to someone, to more than one person… might be interested. You might have connection with more than one person but it is going to be difficult to maintain that over time.

There we go. Lucy says; I always go for the wrong type I just want someone to look after me and take care of me but just end up with time wasters. What could she do?

I think one of the things you have to look for is try to get outside of your element of where you have been meeting people and the things you have been doing. It’s a little difficult with so little knowledge about of each one of these questions to give the right answer because there’s a lot of circumstances involved with what they are saying, but it might be that she’s putting herself in the place that she’s meeting the same type of person again and again and again. So earlier we had an example of someone going to the single bars or dance clubs all of that. Try something new, try an online dating site. Try meeting someone try your friends, try meeting somebody in a different place that you wouldn’t go to normally. They’re going to be a different type of person there and maybe that type of person is going to be what you are looking for because they are going to bring something different to the table.

But I also think you… know that if you are meeting someone at a singles bar or online they are put themselves in that situation as well because they want to meet somebody so hopefully you are going to be more likely to meet someone on the same wavelength, that they actually want to have a relationship.

And at this point in the world, at this point especially in the world of the internet there are lots of places ah, to look for relationships online that have very different things, so if you are looking for just a date or just to have fun the relationship site states that that we are going to do that for you. If you are looking for a serious long term relationship, that’s actually the site that I work for, eharmony.co.uk, has spent a lot of time researching what makes relationships successful and how we can match you up with people who are going to make that likely. So really, if you are looking for a long term relationship, I think we’re the website they come and take a look at.

There we go. Now Adam says um, he’s already in a relationship and says how do you know if you’re ready to move in together? Because obviously, that is the next step but he says um, he doesn’t want to scare her by suggesting it if that’s not where you know, she is, if she’s not in the same place.

Clearly. You know it’s very complicated moving in together because it can mean very different things for different people. So some people think that it means an indication that the relationship is getting much more serious very quickly. Some people think that oh, it’s not that very big of a deal at all to move in together that’s what everybody does anyway. Um, what I would do is don’t be afraid to have that open conversation with a partner about moving in together about what that means for each one of you. In the long haul if you really do think that this relationship is going to go somewhere bring up this conversation in an open and honest way and talking about what it is that you hope for and what it is that you are scared about is going to make it easier to face those things ah… down the road and those kinds of issues especially if the relationship continues are going to keep coming up again and again. You have to be able to face them and you have to be able to talk about them with your partner. Communication. Exactly, communication.

Right, we are going to squeeze one more question from Jenny, how can I know that our relationship will last? We’ve been together for five years and are getting married next year but are yet to experience the challenges of children etc and we have always had good incomes. Well I’ll have to get my crystal ball out for that one shall I?

It’s pretty hard to tell, it’s pretty hard because even if the couples that do very well and I… it sounds like that are wonderful couple, they are getting married and I wish them all the best. Yeah, good luck. Um, there are a lot of circumstances that come from life for we know, for example, there has been a lot of research showing that when children come around it makes things a lot more difficult. So you have a lot less time a lot less money and a lot less sleep. So what you need to do and I think one of the most important things that people forget. Is that through all of these transitions and all of these challenges make sure that you can still take time away for each other and make sure that you can still laugh together. Date night! Date night um, something new… interests that you cultivate together. Things that are still going to allow you to grow as a couple they’re going help you build intimacy and that’s going to help you ward off some of the stresses of life, it’s going keep you relationship strong. You’re relationship is going to wax and wane, that’s one of the most important things that that people need realise it’s not always going to be wonderful but if you always take it as an opportunity to grow and learn the relationship can be strong last a really, really long time.

That is very good advise for… congratulations Jenny and good luck with your wedding and the planning as well, I hear that is one of the most stressful… *laugh* Well I’m afraid that’s all we have time for today, for more information for finding long term love and relationships visit eharmony.co.uk. Well a very big thank you to you Gian for joining us today and ah hopefully we will speak you again and good luck to all of you out there finding love or with the relationships you all ready have. We’ll see you next time. Good bye.