Us women are well known for our penchant for moaning and our attitude for complaining. Whether it’s the cold weather, men problems, work or general health, we’re used to putting a negative spin on things. And February is one of the worst months of the year for moaning. Yet, how can we get out of the habit of complaining and start looking at things more positively?

Small things like eating healthy or doing exercise have a huge impact on your mood, releasing endorphins that help fight pain and stress and help you feel great. And by feeling great, you have much less of a need to gripe or whinge and are a far more positive person.

Janet Street-Porter is a woman not afraid to speak her mind, but while she may be able to handle Gordon Ramsay and the jungle setting of “I’m a Celebrity”, she’s still definitely one to have a moan. On this live WebTV show she will explain why we all have a moan in February and how you too can think positive.

Tune in to find out what the positive impact of a positive mental attitude can be.

Janet Street-Porter and Amanda Ludlow, Head of Sales and Business Development at Benenden Healthcare Society join us live online to discuss positive mental attitudes.

For more information visit www.benenden.org.uk

H: Jayne Constantinis, Webchat host
A: Janet Street Porter
B: Amanda Ludlow, Benenden Healthcare Society

H: Hello I’m Jayne Constantinis, welcome to the Healthcare show. Now with the colder that usual winter and with the UK only just creeping out of recession, we Brits have even more of an excuse to have a moan. In fact we’re famous for it and that’s backed up by research undertaken by the Benenden Healthcare Society which shows what a bunch of wingers we are. Whether it’s the weather, your commute to work, M.P’s expenses or your footballs team performance, there are truly millions of things we can and do moan about. So how can we get out of the habit of complaining and start looking at things more positively? To discuss this I am going to be talking to Amanda Ludlow from the Benenden Healthcare Society and Janet Street Porter.

H: Janet, are you a moaner?

A: No I’m prone to rants, I do big explosions of rage but I don’t go on and on and on. I think, I look at myself moaning, I look horrible, I look at least ten years older and then I made a conscious decision to do it less because it’s a really ageing, negative thing to have said about you.

H: They say it’s something to do with how many muscles you use when you are frowning.

A: When you are feeling sulky and miserable your whole face sags and you look at least ten years older. So it’s much better not to go around smiling like someone who has just taken a triple dose of Prozac or anti-depressants or something. You know think positively.

H: Where do you fit on the scale Amanda are positive or negative?

B: I would say I’m positive I’ve got a can do, must do, do it now kind of attitude.

H: I am too actually, it must be irritating to live with mustn’t it?

B: I’m obviously not in the best position to judge you would have to ask my husband Eddie for the answer to that question.

H: Now tell us about this research and what it tells us about us as a nation?

B: Well I think what it tells us is that it confirms some urban myths that the UKs population are prone to moaning. Benenden Healthcare Society is a not for profit mutual founded in 1905 and we do specialise in health and well being predominantly for the public sector and we wanted to sort of, understand a bit more about attitudes and what impact moaning can have. So we conducted a piece of research in December last year where we questioned about 1885 people and in general we spend 25 minutes a day moaning. The upside is we spend 1 minute less a day moaning as ladies than men do.

H: That’s surprising isn’t it? Are you surprised that men moan more than women?

A: I’m getting over the fact that I might be a lady, I don’t really think of myself like that having spent my entire career in a male dominated environment. I think the whole idea of moaning 25 or 26 minutes a day is shocking really because that is time when you could be doing things for yourself or doing something more positive. I think what’s happened is that we as a nation are quite proud of the fact that we moan and we use it as a way of communication with each other but its got out of hand, its got out of all proportion. I mean, if we are spending nearly half an hour a day just complaining then that’s ridiculous.

H: Yeah it is, was that a rant? Is that an example of a rant?

A: No, it’s an observation. *laugh*

H: You see, we’re using these words, we’re using moaning is that the same as pessimism, is that the same as negativity or are they different things.

A: Moaning is when you get to work and the first thing you say to somebody was, my journey was rubbish, it took too long, the weather is rubbish and people have just got this stock pile of things that they can complain about and they just unpack them when they get to work or when you see your friends it’s the first thing you do. Its how conversations start and it’s shocking really because it means the basis of your relationship both with your workmates and your friends, is negativity is where you go on from. I mean it is terrible.

H: You can sometimes feel that sort of pervading the relationship and the mood of the group of people can’t you. If you’ve got one really negative person there it’s kind of, it’s infectious isn’t it.

B: It brings everyone down and I think if that person is in a strategically important position within the business that can bring the mood of the whole entire organisation down.

H: But let me just take devils advocate and say moaners often say ‘I’m a realist’ don’t they. That’s often the answer.

A: People say about me, oh I like you Janet, you speak your mind but I think the thing is you’ve got to speak your mind and if it is a bit of a negative thought you’re having cut it short. I mean because, you know, it’s like a big black cloud that settles over everybody and I think it does bring everything down and I think there are other ways of dealing with it. I mean, if something really has annoyed me, I’ll go for a walk, I’ll go for a long walk by myself and I’ll work it out of my system and at the end of that walk I’ll have dealt with it. I’ll have just shunted it off my world. I mean that’s the way to do it.

I mean and also we do tend to whinge about things we can’t do anything about, like the weather. It’s ridiculous. Or we send ourselves unrealistic goals like, here we are at the beginning of February and people are going to go, I’m going to loose weight now because they ate too much at Christmas, they binged over New Year. They didn’t start their diet in January because it was too cold and now they are going to set themselves an unrealistic target that they can only fail at.

H: And some people say that they do that on purpose so that they have something to moan about. Now you’re talking about… we’re talking about the physical response to people moaning. Is it, Amanda, damaging to our health to be pessimistic or to be around that sort of negativity?

B: Well in our view, yes it is. It certainly has and impact on your mental wellbeing, which obviously has an impact on all of your health and wellbeing and there are a myriad of cancer survivor stories where positive mental attitude has had a significantly positive impact on their going into remission.

H: I mean it’s the old… the old wives thing isn’t it, healthy body healthy mind the two things are connected.

A: But you can’t cure a terminal illness just by being positive but what you can do is feel better about the time you have got left. I think the message I want to get across to people is, when you wake up in the morning don’t you look on each day as a potential for a negative experience. Try to look on each day as a chance to do something enjoyable.

H: Yeah, but your example of going for a walk when you are feeling stressed about something, or angry well that’s a very physical way, isn’t it, of dealing something that’s a very, you know, that’s started in your head.

A: Well, when someone upsets you at home, you don’t start a row and moaning even more. Isn’t it better just to withdraw and read a book or read a magazine or do something for yourself and I think women are particularly guilty of this, that when something’s really getting on top of us, we do, do this moaning which doesn’t resolve it. What we ought to do is look after ourselves more and put ourselves first. And by putting our self first and thinking ‘I’m not going to moan, I’m just going to do something for me.’

H: What other sort of strategies, going for a walk, fantastic. What other kind of… what things, what ways can people improve their mental wellbeing, if you like?

B: Well I think that exercise, as Janet said, is an absolutely key part of helping your mental wellbeing because it does release endorphins. Healthy diet, good relationships, being able to communicate your less positive feelings even if it’s just a matter of you going into a room and having a good squeal will help you, I mean there are various other things like laugh therapy. We do have help lines within Beneden Health Care that you can ring and talk to a professional trained councillor if it’s got to that level but I think really, diet, exercise and good relationships are the key to good mental health.

H: Love, we all don’t we?

A: And I’d say that texting is no solution, that people who communicate their upset by furiously texting each other all they’re going to get is repetitive strain injury and isn’t it better if you do feel upset to actually speak to someone face to face or talk to someone on the telephone properly to have a real conversation but what we tend to do in our society is all these short cuts which in fact distance us from each other more and I’ve written quite a lot of about the fact that people do need real friends. Real friends that will tell you the things that you don’t want to hear like Janet stop moaning…

H: …because you look ten years older when you moan.

A: Exactly, that’s why and you know they are your real friends. I think the other thing is to not set yourself goals in life that you are not going to achieve and you know, to say I hate my job I’m going to get another job. Yes, we’d all like to do that but let’s be realistic we’re coming out of a recession really slowly, find a way to cope with the job you are doing so that it doesn’t eat into your brain and start to really cause you that negative pollution.

H: That… very good points and strategies. That is answering Natalie’s question who said, people that are always happy annoy me, would that change if I were happier myself. Please give me some tips. I constantly have the ‘ump.

We’re talking about two slightly different things here. We’re talking about when somebody annoys you, or when there is a situation, or when you are stressed about something that you need to address and then we are talking about just having a half empty attitude to everything. So a plate of food arrives, you’ve got your favourite sausages and something your not keen on, do you go, oh lovely sausages or do you go, hmm, don’t like carrots it’s that sort of attitude isn’t it.

A: It is hard and it is like learning to exercise. Its exercise the muscles in your brain or the compartments in your brain that naturally gear to being negative, so if you got your sausages and what ever you don’t want with it, default position is to moan. I’m just saying, just consider it for a minute and next time you go to that place don’t order it. That’s the quick answer to that.

H: But do you think you can train yourself? Almost it’s… it’s, ok, here’s my plate of food I’m not going to the carrots I’m going to talk about the sausages and do you think if you get into the habit of doing that, it will have an impact on your demeanour

B: Absolutely. I mean I’ve very given to having, being Irish I have a bit of a fiery temper so rather than actually giving someone the benefit of that temper directly, I will take myself off, allow myself to calm down even if that possibly annoys the other person more because the are geared up ready for a row. So you can actually… over time I’ve taught myself to not loose my temper and to be able to actually to deal with the situation in a balanced way which can have a positive impact in the person that you’re dealing with because it annoys them more which is better than having a row.

H: I like the way you talk about the benefit of your temper, that’s a really positive way to look at bawling someone out and that sort of answers Chris’s question here. ‘I’m known to my colleagues as the person most likely to have a moan but I think it actually makes me feel better to get it off my chest. Is that not the case?’ So what’s the right way, go for a walk…

A: Yeah but how long has this person been wanting to get it off their chest for? Short moan, ok. Long moan, your friends are too frightened to tell you.

H: Long moan turns into sort of sulking really, doesn’t it? Eats away

A: Oh it’s like a background dripping tap, oh no.

H: And so often what happens is you’re there sulking about some injury, something they’ve said to you. They don’t even know what they’ve done or said.

A: Well let’s take men and illness. When men are sick they moan, moan, moan. Have mega moans. No man has a small illness they all have a terminal illness. Flu is like the worst, when men get it it’s 10 times worse than when women get it. Where as women tend to be stoic and just get on with things and that’s the classic example. Where as if a bloke had a mini moan at being sick you’d be sympathetic but because they extends it you know you think, get on with it.

H: My husband’s parents are both medical and their philosophy in their family has always been, if you are ill go to bed and if you’re not shut up and now we now realise that.

A: I would agree.

H: Sean from Wembley has a question, is there such a thing as being too happy?

A: Well, there is artificial happiness isn’t there, when you are putting on a face for the benefit of people around you. I think, if I did that they would think there is something seriously wrong with me. Oh no, you’ve got to be realistic but sometimes it’s just better to consider if you are going to be negative just stop and consider. With positivity that will… should be a natural thing. If you can’t, if it’s artificial that’s worse.

B: And I tell you my Grandfather used to say to my Mother if you can’t say anything good say nothing and sometimes when I’ve been dealing with a particularly moaning bunch of people I’ve went right, you’ve had one negative thing now you need to tell me three positive things before we can move on and that tend to make them think before they immediately launch in to, you know, my mobile phone’s not working properly, the connection’s not good, this, that and the other thing are things that they are actually technically can’t do anything about.

H: And do you think it’s possible to also train yourself to notice things that can be really positive? Like, when you go for your walk, you know, or on your walk to work, you just notice the sunlight is really beautiful on those trees or is that something you either have within you or not.

A: I tend to look on walks a chance to listen and look at things and to tune myself back in with the environment because we live in such a brutalised world where you’ve constantly got sound that you haven’t asked for being beamed at you that walking in the countryside is a fantastic way of charging your batteries and getting you know, this input where you are put in touch with birdsong and just nature, it’s brilliant.

H: Let’s just give Rachael some tips here. Rachael says, can you give me any good tips on talking myself out of a spiral of negativity. I constantly get into the situation where I can’t see the wood for the trees and focus on all the negatives.

A: She’s got too long a list of what she wants to do every day. Definitely. She should just start the day saying one thing, only one thing that she can achieve that she can do that day and the next thing add another thing and the next day add one more thing in. She’s got to stop that cycle because, you just enter into it, I know, I’ve been there. You have to absolutely stop. Maybe one solution is to for 24 hours just do what ever you what. You know, don’t go to work, stay at home, do exactly what you want, eat everything you what and then start from there, you need to break the cycle.

H: That’s a nice idea because we do tend, and I hesitate to say women especially, we are quite tough on ourselves. We do have that list every day and if you don’t achieve it.

A: If we haven’t lost the weight we wanted…

H: …you’re a failure

A: So your friends haven’t called you up. You know, if no one calls you, you think I’ve got no friends. If you haven’t lost weight you think your backsides bigger than ever. We know, we know we’ve all been there.

B: Even when people do call you, you think God, leave me alone people are torturing me but also I agree exactly what Janet is saying. The thing to remember that even God got a day off, so you should give yourself a break.

H: Is the word that covers all of this, managing expectations and such, is it control? Is there something about, or is that a bad thing, but only trying to control the things that you can and not the weather, obviously and the people around you so you know the person you live with that loads the dishwasher in a way that not quite efficient. What do you do? Do you, A, moan about it every time they’ve done it. Or do you say, don’t do the dishwasher, I’ll do it and I’ll do it the way I want and there won’t be anything to moan about?

A: I’ll let him do it.

H: Then redo it

A: Exactly. Life’s too short to have the row about it. Men can’t stack dishwashers. It’s just a simple task. They can’t do it.

B: My husband would tell you the exact opposite because he’s the one who comes behind me and stacks… and restacks the dishwasher because I’m incapable, apparently of doing it.

H: Real, that’s very unusual. What’s your husband’s name?

B: My husband’s name is Eddie

H: Yeah, he sent a question in. *Laugh* Ok, Eddie. Hello. Being seen as a generally negative person, I find living with Amanda has a positive effect on me and others around her. There’s a balance to be struck and I’d hate to think what I’d be like if I were married to some like me.

I think you’re heading for a very nice Valentines present. Um, that’s interesting isn’t it, being with someone who is positive.

B: Yeah, we were talking about this earlier off air. My attitude towards it is the only obstacle in achieving something you want to do is you. So… but where as Eddie’s what ever it is that we’re going to be doing and immediately thinks of the 10 reasons why we can’t do it.

A: Well, men are frightened of changed.

B: Do you think that’s what it is?

A: They are frightened of change and the unknown. I very much like change and I like not knowing what I’m doing next week and I like the uncertainty. I find I thrive on it but a lot of people do find that very frightening and it’s hard to understand their point of view and not see it as negativity.

B: For me it’s all about right get it done and the next, next thing. I bore easily so I want to enjoy myself and I do look around… look around my environment and find pleasure in simple things like, you know, a nice crisp day or you know, a nice view and we’re both of us have… live in Yorkshire and we’re blessed with some fantastic views in Yorkshire.

H: It is a gift… it is a gift I think to be born able to do that you know, naturally, not having to force it. Something for us all to strive towards, anyway. Long walks in the countryside, load the dishwasher yourself.

B: Or train your husband to do it or partner.

H: You can’t train, you can’t…

B: Yes you can, yes you can.

A: Life’s too short to train, give up.

H: Because they won’t allow you to train them. They do it on purpose.

B: But my mum always says, let them think it was their idea and then you’re laughing.

A: Oh, no, no don’t do it.

H: I’m with you Janet. Anyway we could go on all day. It’s been very interesting and good fun. Thanks very much both of you for coming in.

B: Thank you.

H: If you would like more information about Beneden Health Care Society then visit Beneden.org.uk/moannation that’s all one word at the end. Search on Facebook or follow Beneden on Twitter at Beneden_health. Thank you very much for watching, hope you have enjoyed it, see you again soon.

Still got a question or comment?

Name

Your question Question

Enter code